so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
