so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
