Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
