hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
