i love accidental penises.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
