I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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