saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize