you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
