get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
