You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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