Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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