the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
