I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
