you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
