It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
