I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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