I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
