you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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