I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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