If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
