chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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