The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
