I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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