I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
