I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
