Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
