It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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