Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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