Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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