The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
