I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
