the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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