lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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