So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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