I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
