Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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