Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Jerry, you need to find god
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
