I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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