i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
