id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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