Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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