I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
