Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I need to calm my uterus...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
