Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
