At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need a beard to bite.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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