After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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