I'm so fucking centered right now
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
