Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
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so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
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Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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