just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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