I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
