I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
how drunk are you?
Several
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
