then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
