last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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