i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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