Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
