i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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