he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
