I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Panties = found
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