Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
